I have to force myself to keep writing on here, I must not lose this interest. I'm writing this to The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou Soundtrack, I watched this movie when I was 14 and fell in love with a Portuguese singer named Seu Jorge, he sang renditions of David Bowie songs in his native language. I was touched by it.
My next sentence could've gone in so many different directions, I could've touched on my formspring.me stalkers, on the words that only disappointed me when I read them, on the feeling in the pit of my stomach I want so much to get rid of, that cavernous feeling of distrust when I now think of Atlanta.
I have a lot of faith in the wrong people sometimes, I retain hope when I shouldn't in the face of the human brains multifaceted delights. I sit back and realize that I have to once again vet every singly organism I let into my life, that once again no one should be underestimated, no one should be immediately trusted.
Is there not one single honest human being left on this planet? We're all capable of terrible things, but in that same light, we are equally as able of not committing to this ideal. We are equally capable of being pure, being honest, being bright and shining pillars of the human race.
But then it all gets lost, and I am filled with commiseration.
My generation is in such a sad state. I truly hope my spirt of faith somehow touches the world around me, I hope that my light shines on it all. My beauty, my gift, my peace is not of me, but of the creator. Whereas my anger, my insecurities and any evil act I may commit is of my human nature. I ask the creator to forgive me, forgive any negative thoughts, show me the path, give me the words to say, give me the wisdom to embark on this difficult journey ahead.
I wonder if I sound like I'm preaching. I don't mean to. It's just how I feel at these times.
The idea that I cannot trust anyone anymore saddens me. Disappoints me. But doesn't snuff out the flame of my life, because all I really need is a blunt and some sunshine to reach my peak. That's all I've ever needed.
Keeping me happy is quite simple.
To put it bluntly; I pray for the strength to smile at these hoes, to help them, to create this peace within their lives, to evolve them in a way.
I just want the world to be a happier place. The spirit of anger, the spirit of hatred is not of our creator, it creates nothing good in your life, it creates nothing good in mine. I've learnt to let it go, anger serves no purpose to me.
Pity, never hate.
Have I mentioned how brilliant this soundtrack is? But I suggest it only for those who are truly open minded in the realms of their musical taste. If not, you probably won't understand it, or why I love it so much.
To be honest it brings back memories of the 14th year of my life. Walking through Devin's neighborhood with Emily, breaking off honeysuckle flowers and tasting the sweet nectar, what did we talk about? Who did I adore? Oh, in those days I was getting over this skateboarder. Or former skateboarder, I don't know, but he smashed my heart to smithereens on xanga of all places. He really hurt my feelings, truly hurt my feelings.
I laugh at the idea of it now. For someone who smiled so much I retained a lot of angst back then. I had brilliant hair though, curls, dark thick black curls. Tightly coiled, coiffed to perfection. Later on they developed a sort of "bed head" behavior, I'd curl them about once a week, sleep on them, wake up in the morning run a hand through them, mess them up, shake it a bit and viola! Big curled hair.
I miss it. The look I mean, I will never miss the work that went into them. Hair is just so much work. Never again.
It's 3:10, I can hear the prayer call in the background of this Bowie track. It's Queen Bitch, if you were wondering.
But I am excited about Atlanta, I'm excited about rekindling my love for it's underground culture. For all the vapid nonsense that the city spews out into the mainstream rivers, it's underground world is surprisingly dazzling, sparkling with untold treasures and undiscovered beauty. I can't wait to unlock it all.
But first I have to defeat all the basic bitches (male and female) that will inevitably cross my path.
A task I pray my creator helps me with.
All I ask for is patience. Wisdom. And compassion.
I was once a very angry human being, I'm glad that has left me.
Life can be a lot of things, pick one.
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