Open it up, empty it out.

I don't like well lit rooms anymore. I look up to the bright light fixtures on my ceiling wishing I had a lamp to replace the glare. I need soft light in the moment. My mother is on the brink of another major life changing decision, and it again has something to do with a guy.

I've learnt a lot from her relationships, I've learnt to not subconciously let my negative energy spill out onto others unfairly, I've learnt to realize when I am doing this, and my efforts to desist in those actions.

I am aware of myself, I am aware of my faults, aware of my motives behind certain actions, and no matter how proud I am, I learn to admit even the silliest of emotions. For a cleansing life, you have to be honest, with yourself, with the world, with every little stupid feeling you have.

Because if you're aware of them, then you are in control of them. And we won't be having arguments about absolutely nothing. I don't like arguing with her, because it never draws any positive conclusion. She'll just walk away with this "Everyone is against" me mind state, which hurts me.

Because I'm not everyone. If anything, if I say it, it should be the only one you take as truth, because I've known you for 20 years, before all these guys, before all these idiots, I was there, I've lived with you for 18 of those years, I know you better than anyone ever could and will.

You gave birth to me.

Don't include me with the rest of the world. You're my mother. I'm your daughter. It's like yin and yang. So when you include these strangers in your assessment of my words to you, it hurts.

It really hurts.

Why can't you see the difference? I'm always on your side. I'll always be on your side.

I'm just writing it all here, cause if I say it you'll take the "disrespectful" child route, read into the wrong things, and ignore the right ones. You just want to be a victim right now, and I understand that, it was a blunder, and you're beating yourself up, but this won't help you Mum.

Just stand up, you're aware of it all now, you can leave, close the door and start anew.

Why has that always been so hard for you?

This is the cycle of life, rebirth, regeneration and continuation.

The ironic thing is, I learnt all of this from you.

I just wish you could see how poisonous your "what if's" have always been.

----

2 minutes to midnight, I'll go jog tonight, run all this frustration off. Another life is starting, pressing refresh again. But this time, I feel sort of...'grown up'. I don't feel like a kid up in my cranium, my old ass soul is growing even more.

The finality of my future is so apparent, my path has never been clearer. Conviction, knowledge of self, and self empowerment are the tools of the trade.

I just want to be happy. Striving for that eternal smile. I want my children to smile that smile, I want my mother to smile that smile. I want to share the world with all of you, I want you all to be happy.

I don't want to ever change.

I thank God for this lesson, for this pain, for this hurt, I thank God for this fire that only hardens my shell, everything happens for a reason. He's made the road map pretty clear, it's just your choice if you want to go right or left, but know that you can always make a u-turn and start all over.

Amen.