"If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the universe is not to be ignored" - Jacqueline Acolatse

Today started pretty early for me, in a beautiful way, one of the most memorable parts of my day was riding the train listening to "My Favorite Things" by the one and only Andre, as the sun filtered through the plastic window and shone on my face warming up every pore, the city glistened like gold as I looked on, I smiled, it's wonder overcame me and in that instant I felt renewed. It's like an instant expresso shot of energy, that reminder of this continuous gift of life. I could've gotten off of that train, crossed the street, gotten hit by a car and died, I could die in a freak accident any moment now, and while I don't like to think about it, the looming possibility makes me thankful for each breath of life that flows in and out of me. Keeps me free from all that bullshit that so easily shackles my brothers and sisters. Keeps me singing "If 6 was 9" all day long.

Today I read "How I Finally Lost My Heart" by Doris Lessing and was taught a very valuable lesson about myself, I am in fact heartless. Not in the literal sense, because of course I can't survive without this beating muscle, but not in the sense that so many of you perceive either. It is not that I am cold, or uncaring, it is that I am without that pain, that I am free from that subjugation.

I know you know what I'm talking about, that continuous heartbreak, that continuous river of one way emotion flowing from a source so deep within you, a source determined to tether every waking moment of your life with the thoughts of another, a source that wants to drown your very essence in the misery of love. We go around searching for that "serious" love, that ambiguous interpretation of "the one" time and time again putting ourselves through so much torture and pain in constant search of what we have been told will make us whole, when in reality it fractures us, creates a wound so deep and so painful.

The wound we carry with us to the next one, give to him and say "Fix me". But how can he fix something he did not break? No one can fix that muscle apart from you, because you're the one who sacrificed it, took it out of it's cage and put it on display for the whole world to see, you foolishly gave it to another human being who already had the responsibility of his own heart to deal with, do you not see the incredulity of it all? No man can have two hearts, it's a disastrous impossibility. Because even when he has this heart, even when he's locked it away with his own, your eye is still open for another who might be better at handling it. Constantly giving the responsibility of your own welfare to someone who isn't qualified to care for it.

When you smile whose muscles do you use to lift those cheeks and bare those teeth? Whose lips spread wide and far with mirth and joy? Whose energy wells up inside of you at the creation of this muscle movement? Is it not your own? And outside source triggers it to be sure, but are they not your lips, your face? Your joy? Your smile? Is it not all your own?

I used to be in constant pain, forlorn over the beatings of my own heart, always analyzing my movements, my words and my actions towards the opposite sex, always questioning always wondering, comparing myself to the people around me, all miserable in their own right, thinking to myself; "Shouldn't I be that miserable with someone too?"

And then one day, I woke up, and it didn't hurt anymore. I woke up and I forgot. And slowly but surely, my heart fell out, I don't know where it is now, but I'm sure it'll be returned to it's rightful owner by the right person eventually, but I do know that once I stopped paying attention to it my life was a great deal happier, every moment was magical outside of that slow burning angst that is "love".

"No heart. No heart at all. What bliss. What freedom..."

I understood finally that this is my life, my own movie, we are taught that that way of thinking is selfish, is evil, but it's not. It's the truth. No matter how plain, no matter how raw, no matter how much of a bitch it may make us, it's still the truth and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change that.

You'll only make yourself miserable if you try to live any other way. I am aware of my own movements, I take care too not pay too much attention to them, if you spend time looking at yourself too long you'll miss the world that is around you. This stage. This great and wondrous stage, so easily ignored, so easily forgotten because we are enamored with ourselves, with all these rules and regulations, what our society and this patchwork culture deems right and wrong. I mean;

"I'm the one who's gonna die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to"

I met an interesting boy today, a regular Atlanta goon, but I decided when he spoke to me in a manner I was suddenly aware he was not accustomed to, I decided to humor myself, more to write about, I mused, as he spoke, he told me I was beautiful, thank you I know, my hair my face, yes yes get on with it. He had a tear drop tattoo in the corner of his left eye and I asked him why he had it, being faintly aware with it having to do with gang war, murder and the likes, there was a slight glint in his eye and he regaled me with the story of his older brother who got shot in the McDonald's at West End because of some french girl, or at least I think he said french, at this point his heavily southern accent was becoming a tad bit difficult to decipher. But the point is, I found him interesting, and more importantly he was polite, he had watched me and measured his speech, didn't get to close, didn't get too sexual and spoke with plain sincerity.

One of those simple minds, who in their simplicity, their pure "goodness" are as rare diamonds in the degeneration of our people. Intrigued, something to study I decided, I gave him my number and now he turns out to be my new weed connect.

See that? The universe is great and wondrous, vast and majestic throwing our wires and signals all over the place until something makes sense. Of course there will be absolutely no romance, but I made a friend today. Two strangers connect, two completely different strangers laced together by simple goodwill.

Like how it used to be.

Way back when.

When nothing else mattered.

Someway somehow, in those few moments of conversation I saw past his nonsense and saw something real underneath everything that would've otherwise deemed him as inconsequential and unworthy of any of my attention, I saw a human being. I saw myself in his aura, his energy reflecting awareness of self, a small slither of mindfulness that our generation is otherwise completely bereft of. I saw a soul. Clear and present and knew that this connection had to be made.

I explained this to him, stressing on the lack of any romantic nature in my intentions and you know what his reply was?

"I overstand"

There aren't a lot of those walking around anymore you know?

Plant that seed. Grow the forest.