We were never friends.

When I first came back, there was this boy who rekindled his communication with me, who I had had numerous disastrous encounters with, the kind fueled with so much negative energy any attempt at goodwill was immediately taken advantage of and tarnished.

Now at times, I can be a brilliant friend, I have a good sense about me, I do great deeds for relative strangers, I don't know where this derives from, but if I can help, I will. This brings me back to thoughts of a couple of years back, Kanye's Glow In The Dark tour had hit Atlanta and N.E.R.D. was opening for him, die hard N.E.R.D. fan that I was, I immediately got myself a ticket, I bought this boy one as well.

Why?

Because I could. I had just come back from Ghana, and I remembered how much he loved N.E.R.D. We went to high school together, and that was our common ground, the love of music, and he was broke, and I knew, that if I were in his position, considering how much I loved N.E.R.D I'd die if I had missed this concert. So without a thought, I bought him one. It was my father's money anyway, I was eager to rid myself of it.

Now note, there was nothing sexual in the intention of this act, there were no ulterior motives, there was no ill will, it was a simple 'do unto others as you would like done to you' action, and I thought nothing of it. In hindsight, the reasoning behind his then girlfriend's, who had bought a ticket for herself and was going to see it without the supposed love of her life, pure and unadulterated hatred for me made so much more sense. My kindness was threatening, my deep care for him seeing this show worried her. Goodwill is generally not welcome with jealous girlfriends.

But I was simply being a human being. I couldn't enjoy at the expense of another's misery. That's just how I am.

Now in saying this, I realize that I've done a lot for a lot of strangers who have only spit in my face in return, I do these things without warrant because in the first encounter with a possible soul I look for potential, I measure your worth by your reaction to mine. If you miscalculate my magnitude you have no real idea of your own. So if I help you out, and you fuck me over? That does not reflect on me. It only shows the true face of your character.

How can I hate such a weak being?

This same boy, who I'm sorry to say at this point I have little to no respect for, contacted me when I came back, there has always been this strange amount of purely sexually energy between us, although I shouldn't say always, he was a thing of my adolescence, an attempt to nurse a bruised ego on my part, but I digress. I never understood my sexual energy until I understood myself, until I understood my body, until I was thankful for my small breasts, my expansive hips and my thick thighs. Now. When he contacted me, as narcissistic as it might seem, I was under the impression that he was trying to rekindle some sort of blasted sexual relationship again, I scoffed at the idea and shot it down immediately, the time for those game's were long gone, there was nothing about him that interested me that field, as traveled and learned as I had become, the whimsical guile's of his nature could easily be ignored. He replied with some words about 'Just being friends' nonsense, nonsense, nonsense, nonsense, nonsense.

I haven't heard from him since.

And it doesn't bother me at all.

When I am not recognized by someone who by all accounts should be a spiritual peer, I come upon the realization that I might think too much of the best of people, it saddens me to a degree, but I am not sad for myself. I am sad for them.

I'm going to be great.

Sitting in this silence, legs stiff and sore, my conviction grows ever more. There is truth in my heart, that I dig every day to discover more of, and this truth will take me far, I only wish to share with the world, hope that it will be understood, and perhaps create a new wave of brilliant understanding in the licentious communities of my generation.

I have no respect for those blinded by desire, it sickens me to my stomach when I see a stranger glance at me with lust, lust sickens me, men fueled by lust plagues my heart, I am angered, because lust demeans my worth. I am more than this flesh, all the beguiling aesthetics derive from a source greater than this universe, the creator of all existence.

And so the flesh no longer has my attention, I only see soul, I only want soul, I only love soul, I only feel soul. I only touch soul. I only speak to soul. I only fuck soul.

I only love soul.

Mind over matter. And soul before flesh.

I am on a journey to my enlightenment.

Get wit' it or get lost.