January 13th 2010
Sitting outside of Rhapsody's enjoying the stillness for a moment. This whole 'in love' thing has me going a little mad..ordered a cosmopolitan & feel very chic right now ..... I'm so out of my element & I don't know what to do to regain equilibrium, my first instinct is to run but everyone is telling me not to, that he's perfect for me, so on & so forth but I just feel so strange.
My emotions are all jumbled especially after what happened this Christmas, especially after the side of him I had never seen before. That was a side I cannot say I loved very much.
He came to Rhapsody's.
He saw me, at the time trying to will away an unwanted suitor disturbing my peace.
& walked by.
When I called him he cut my call.
So I quite promptly went to his place retrieved all my left overs & left all in the span of 7 minutes. He was home of course, but on the other side of the compound. I entered without his noticing. I broke up with him.
Via text as seems customary now.
I don't know what he's feeling, nor do I care. If I have to work to get you to express yourself then there's no point. That is such a bitch move you know? Such a pussy ass thing to do. He weakly tried to justify his behaviour saying that he didn't want to disturb my conversation with the stranger I very clearly wanted nothing to do with.
He's a fool.
I would never have just walked by him like that. I'm done anyway. No long ting man. He's gorgeous & all but I'm very young. Too young for something that serious.
Hiding behind my age numbs the pain for now a great deal.
I thank God for my youth & my opportunities. I thank God that I will survive. Next time I will fight every step of the way. Every kiss, every touch, any emotion will have to be earned.
I dated. I tried. Now I'm done.
I need to get away from this bloody city to clear my head & get him completely out of my system. I need sex .... actually .... I'm good on that one ... I just need to get the hell away from all this nonsense.
Lord give me the strength & set my mind at ease, none of us k ow what tomorrow might bring, only you...I accept whatever you have in store despite the drama that took place. Take my heart & heal me of all disease, both spiritual & mental. I pray for patience & I pray for serenity
My time will come.
This is not over.
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18th January 2010
In the silence of my day I miss you the most.
Your silly little smile as you lay your head next to mine & your whispers of love against my skin sinks beneath my pores & distracts when silence falls around me.
I miss you.
In those little ways, but my fear overshadows it all. My fear of the power you have over me. My fear of the misery you could cause. I don't trust you not to hurt me with some flippant remark or a sentence of dismissal. I am completely out of my element with you.
Too fragile. Too soft. Too loving. Too kind. Too willing. Too blind.
The words you say can make my heart soar for days but when action comes you're nowhere to be found, the image is shattered & I'm left with the silence & the fear that everything I felt?
Everything you said?
May not have been real.
& in the silence of my day I decide that I never want to feel this way again.
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I want someone to love me, to truely make a difference in my life, the first time I thought about leaving him I realised that I would do everything in my power to make myself want to stay.
I decided that I would try.
At all costs.
My pride took second row & he took first. Because I adored him & for a relationship to maintain a sense of equality the favour has to be returned. So why do I end up feeling so disposable? Why does it seem like I haven't made a single difference? It's like someone threw cold water on me & simply said;
"You were right"
It sucks being right, right now, it sucks so much.
I'm not hurt. There are no tears, I'm just ... surprised & incredibly sad. I loved him. Or atleast I think I did & even my youthful ignorant idea of love would go through almost anything for him ....
Why hasn't his done the same?
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19th January 2010
I'm disgusted with myself for harbouring so much negative energy these past two days. How can I expect things to get better when my heart is so heavy?
I thank the Lord for the lesson that was this relationship, the first lesson of many concerning this field of study I expect. Of course the obvious measures must be taken to ensure that we get over the whole idea vey quickly & in the most profitable way possible.
So I've had my 'in love' sex, it was awesome.
Thank you Lord, I may not understand what happens around me but I know you have my best interest at heart. I will learn from all of this & grow even more with your guidance.
Bless my mouth, eyes & ears so that thy may see through the smoke of the wicked & light up all that surrounds me.
You are my fortress.
My God in whom I trust.
Thank you.
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