I have writers block.

Cause of this mess clogging my brain. Turn it over, empty it out.

So what's in here?

"The Wall": A term coined by my mother to describe my brilliant ability to switch off when I don't want to acknowledge painful emotions. I have to learn how to face these things, instead of just disconnecting. I'm rarely ever unhappy, and when I am unhappy, I start to resent the cause of this unhappiness and my first instinct is to shut off.

I don't need to yell, I don't want to cry.

I just want silence.

I ignore it, and move on. It seems healthy, but trust me it's not. At least not for other people. I don't like to acknowledge negative emotions in my life, and it actually is disturbing how easy it is for me to shut off once I've been hurt. It stems from childhood, I went through some painfully tragic events as a child, but I ignored it, I shut them out. I don't keep it to just emotions anymore, now it's people, I shut out people, people who don't really deserve to be left out in the cold but there is no inclination for me to open up communication again.

I simply don't want to, I know I have to, our society says it's the right thing to do. But right and wrong in the realm of human interactions is an extremely grey area, never black and white. There are millions of us on this planet, perhaps we're all interchangeable.

I can't keep running away though, I'll have to face it all one day. All the emotions, all the unshed tears.

Turn it over, empty it out.

Or...smoke a blunt.

I usually prefer the latter.

I travel again on the 20th, I have to use the time in between to pen the great novel that will start my career. But there's just so much that has happened, so much to go over, this is going to take so much time, and resurfacing all those memories could complicate things in my head, complicate them more I should say.

But it must be done. I say this begrudgingly of course. I treasure my secrets, especially after living in a place like Ghana, my secrets are worth more than all the cash in the world to me.

I'm actually an incredibly private person, I show you the skeleton of my life, there is no muscle mass, no organs, not even an epidermis, just the skeleton.

Everything else is too valuable to share, I'd rather they speculate and choke on their gossip.

"Sometimes silence is the best answer"

My mother says that to me a lot...my mother...she's really proud of me you know? More and more she talks about my future, saying things like "You're going somewhere great", do you know what that feels like? To have the one person who means the world to you have so much faith in you after you've fucked up so many times? I used to think she wanted to replace me with an older, more "christian" cousin of mine, that was spawned from lakes of self hate though. We had our differences you know? I was a wild child, I still am, but she has always loved me, and I took that for granted.

I just want to make her proud. And the fact that I haven't really gone anywhere, but she feels it all the same, brings tears to my eyes. I'm a mama's girl through and through.

She took care of me, she helped mold me, she was my Dad and my Mum, the strongest woman in the world, the purest energy I can ever receive. I'll accomplish great things because of the faith she has in me.

My beautiful Mummy.

I pray my children feel this way about me, and about their father, whoever he might be. I hope I can be at least half of the woman she is in my future children's lives.

"Twitter is the hoe, and Procrastination is it's pimp."

Quote me bitch.