Retracing Steps

“We gone talk”

Could mean so many things, it could be the answer to all of her prayers, or the destruction of a future she had been steadily building, it could be a green flag, or a red one, it could be the beginning of a blessed awakening, or the destruction of a precarious relationship. No matter what came along with those words, she knew she had to go. She had always listened to the Universe above her, her Universe was God, the mighty creator, destroying all creating all, the constant and eternal source of all energy. And the Universe hadn't been communicating very much with her here in a positive manner, she had been wrought with more doom and gloom than she could afford to take at this time.

All she wanted to do was hop on a plane and continue her mad life. The stability her mother claimed she needed only hindered the great gifts that lay in the future, she wanted freedom, she wanted madness. A small blip permeated the silence, her mother had messaged her.

“You are so doing this the wrong way.”

Her fingers stilled over her keyboard for a moment, measuring the right things to say so as not to offend any more, a lot had been placed on her mother's plate, the truth was always hard to swallow. She was sure she felt betrayed, she felt blind sided, but the truth remained.

She did not want to go school. Neither did she feel as though it would help her future at all. It was useless, it was time wasted, to please her mother, who she could make so much more happier if she would just let her go and be free. If she would let her starve and understand the meaning of a career, of passion, of real drive, things you don't learn in school, things lost on so many of those graduates.

She had simply measured her distance, and 4 years was just too far away, she didn't have that time to waste. What if the world didn't even last that long? She had tried to look at the brighter side of it all, she had tried to make herself realize how important a career should be to one's future, she had tried and she had failed. There was no ignoring the deep sense of pain she felt with the idea of another day in this place, the painful tears that prickled her eyes and inhibited her eyesight when she thought of a future here, without friends, without family.

She was ready to go home. To work, starve and hustle there. To be a pioneer in something great and to use all that she learned all that she would earn to better her situation in the country she was so unwilling to inhabit now.

She began to type a response.

“I'm sorry that I've made you feel that way”

It was as heartfelt as she could muster. Neither offending, or submitting. Simply perfect in it's diplomatic air. She just prayed her mother would understand one day, she knew the difficulties that lay ahead, but she also knew the family she had to support her, the love that would be shared through the suffering, she didn't have to walk in her own mother's steps. She didn't have to do this all alone. She needed to grow up and talk all these things through, she needed to take the reigns of her own life instead of listening to suggestions from others. When did she not know what she wanted to do? When had she ever not known?

Her dreams, her aspiration and her drive had been taken for granted. This feeling of displacement did not belong in a future as certain as hers. How many blessing's had come her way? How many roads had been opened up? How many diamonds had she stepped on?

The Universe was not to be ignored.

So she would handle the hate, she would handle the lack of support, she would handle it all with grace and nobility knowing the many blessings that lay ahead, knowing the sunshine that lay in wait for her return.

All she ever wanted to be was happy.

Nothing else mattered.

She sat and waited for her Uncle's arrival, feeling like a prisoner waiting for the verdict, would she freed or would her shackles remain? Would she be on probation but still get to taste her freedom? Or will the umbilical cord be cut completely? She was running on her last dollar, so this was a particularly inopportune moment to start a fire with her mother but she didn't see that as reason enough to continue to lie to herself and her family. The sudden thought that perhaps she was being childish came upon her, but left as quickly as it had come, the responsibilities her mother claimed she had to be responsible for were not things she actually wanted for herself. They were things forced on her, someone else's opinions and expectations of her life, and why should that be?

Was this world not her own?

Her mother said that life is not about being happy but her mother lived with her third eye closed, the blessing in life was simply being alive, and why not be happy in that realization? Why not be happy in that gift? Why sully it and tarnish the beauty of your existence with misery? Why not do all you can to simply be a happy person?

Her spirit was too strong to adhere to such rules.

All she wanted was to follow her dreams.

No matter the consequences.