K.O.S.

I'm feeling decidedly empty today. Perhaps my illness is instigating this feeling, but as I lay here, as Adele croons on in background, as I run my fingers across my soft skin bathed in the soft glow of my favorite lamp, the space in my system expands.

My cousin has gone, as has that connection to another able being. In between the infatuations I've found that less people actually see me. I feel a little taken for granted at times. The feeling grows and overtakes me and I just want to walk, rejuvenate my love for this city, enjoy it while it lasts.

I am leaving soon. November 15th is the tentative date, but if this feeling grows I might escape a little sooner.

I need a pair of arms and a kiss on the back of my neck.

I need that temporary reassurance, I need to trust someone.

Something.

Anything.

---

Excuse that moment, I fell into a rut, I forgot my purpose here, I haven't been writing lately, waiting for something interest to instigate the flow I suppose, but there in lies the problem, life is interesting, every boring tedious bastard minute of it can be analyzed and turned from coal into a brilliant glistening diamond.

I am leaving again after all. I should turn this silence into some magic, keep up with my recordings, take more pictures meet more people, exist before the insanity starts up once more.

---

I keep leaving this open, I don't know what I'm expecting to happen. I feel fresh again if you were wondering, suffered a bout of food poisoning, never trying home made sushi ever again, but I'm much better now. In bed now. Slum Village thumping in the background, black leggings, torn mens cropped over sized tee, no make up, fresh faced, feeling good, feeling great.

There's a chapter I have to finish, but I simply haven't been inspired, there hasn't been enough romance in my life, I find myself saving my kisses, I don't want to share that part of me anymore. I've found that I trust less when a man is in like with me. No matter how brilliant of a friend he is, the trust is compromised when I am aware of just how far he'll go for me, simply off of the fact that he wants to fuck me. And I don't mean to say it in such a sinister way but in like is detrimental to any serious friendship, I can't trust a sane man who is attracted to me.

Because there has to be something wrong with you to willingly put yourself in my hands. Especially when I've made no move to hide all the dark corners of my mind, if you like that, I just don't know.

I have a lot of almost friends who have been demoted simply because of their interest in me. That infatuation destroys the trust I have in that person, makes me unwilling, because at one point feelings will be expected to be reciprocated, and I just can't watch a lamb go to slaughter.

It drains me you know? It depresses me. I used to have so many male friends, boys I was just cool with, but even that safe haven has been compromised by the messy games played within the realm of infatuation.

I mean, I can't even laugh without someone looking at me and saying;

“You have the most beautiful smile”

It's kind of becoming a buzz kill to be honest. Is that ungrateful of me? I hope not, I don't want to seem like I'm complaining, I'm just bummed out to be honest. Because it's been happening more often than not.

My phone is going off in a couple of days, I don't think I'll turn it back on. I just couldn’t be bothered at this point.

I miss my cousin. I miss that company. I need more bitches in my life. All this dick is killing my vibe.

I just wish you didn't want to fuck me.

Is that a strange thing to wish for?