Memories Continued

On the eve of a great discovery of peace on my part I always seem to fall back on the reigns on my elder journals to document the change & thank God for his deliverance from the general state of confusion that plagued my mind & ways in the previous & most important years of my development into the fledgling Queen that types today.

I hope you learn as much I have from these memories.

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- July '09

I'm pretty sure there's something wrong inside my head and I can't fathom the idea that I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. 


- June '09

Okay, so let's scribble in the fundamentals here. I haven't written in so long, and as usual as a result of my complete lack of literary anything my life's gotten jumbled. And this is the only way to fix it.

So what do I want?

I'd like to be in love. This little sadistic ridiculously apathetic thing I have going on with him is getting all my wires fucked up. Because at some level I love him, I mean I HAVE to love him, but then...there's no book romance. It's just sex. And even the sex...is getting...not sexy. See there's this chick he's been "wining and dining" and it's thrown me so fucking far I have no idea how to grasp back on to the reigns. So we're going to sit here and we are going to ask WHY.

WHY do I still fuck him?

Clearly it's more than sex, I mean he's practically living here, completely contradicting my 72 hour rule, we talk, we laugh blah blah blah that's my...nigga? That I fuck. He's always been a little more than sex, I mean there has to be a reason I was never able to say no all those times we fought and made up.

He sits and talks of this perfect chick for him and it kinda depresses me thinking about how that chick isn't me. Not because I want to be that girl, or am in love with him it's one of those, if I don't find it with you who's to say I'll find it at all? Situation.

If I could fall in love with him my life would be so much simpler. But it's not working, there's like this road block in my head that seems to throw this huge dose of reality in my face every time I entertain the idea and the entire mental process leaves me feeling so bloody inadequate.

Maybe it's my pride.

My acute dissatisfaction.

Or maybe I'm just looking for an easy escape from this confusion.

Everything forms in a circle doesn't it? It's an endless cycle.

And it's such a tragedy.

How very fucking depressing.

I wanna be that chick you'd rather see smile, it'd be nice to feel that fluid again.

To feel that human.

I mean there aren't enough words to adequately describe this stark empty sensation in the pit of my stomach. I'd like a boyfriend, without actually having a boyfriend, and the very idea that even HE can't fulfil this need terrifies me. I'm a closet romantic, I like the cuddling, the kisses, the seduction the entire romantic set up he pulls out all the stops for the new girls, it's all part of the game to get them to fall....and I kinda just get seated high and dry.

I mean what exactly am I to you? Why do you fuck me?

Cause if it's just the sex, I think I need to know, so I can measure how fucking insane I'm going. But then you always say shit like "and you ain't trying to settle" pretending like I'm your ideal, and I'm not. I know I'm not. Her being here for so long seriously put a damper in my self perception. It half way helped, half way completely fucked up. It didn't help you were all over her, and I had just gotten off of my period so I was decidedly a lot more emotional than I should've been.

I wanted the kisses and the hugs, the meaningless affection would've helped me greatly, but again left out to sea.

So WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I feel like I don't even know myself.

And I'm alienating everyone, my family, my friends, everyone apart from him. He's kind of like my life jacket right now, because if he wasn't here. I'd be doing some reckless shit.

I'm so tired of this hustle. This mental hustle. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just fall in love with this boy and get that idealistic stupid hazy vision that makes everything sunshine and fucking butterflies?

Why can't we be normal?

Even if it's just for a night.

Fuck, and then...I don't know...cuddle maybe? My mate was so shocked when I said I'd never taken a shower with you and I just said "we're like an old married couple" do you know how terrible that is? Our relationship is so mechanical and we're not even DATING. Not even close.

Maybe I'm just going crazy but there's an undercurrent between us that seems to run crazy deep, and it seems like I'm not the only one with words that just won't get the fuck out of my head. Thought's I'd be too scared to share, cause it's him, any kind of sign alluding to any sort of emotion from Franki and the little bitch goes ghost.

For fucks sakes all I want is intimacy...with out actual fucking intimacy. It makes sense, I know it does, but he says he's not the cuddly cuddly type, just my fucking luck.

The only nigga to pass the 72 hour rule isn't a fucking cuddler.

Fucking. Tragic.