I still believe.

I find myself uninspired lately. My pursuit of knowledge is as fruitful as ever so it's not as if I'm bored. I'm just uninspired. In a way, I wish I knew no one in this city, so it could prove as a real retreat from the world, but when I wake up I look at my phone and remember all the apologies I'll get when I leave, all the "I feel like such a terrible friend" "It's a shame we couldn't get down" "Man I am so bummed". Stuff I really don't care for, unnecessary pleasantries. I'm not particularly upset you see, remember my level of expectations for this city is set at zero. I'd rather disappear in peace. I want this city to be a safe haven for me, I'd feel as though I would be betraying it if I came to America to stay anywhere else.

But. The idea looks pretty nice right now. I could stay in New York if I wanted, I could stay in Los Angeles. I think I might just do that next time I come into this country. Now that'd be pretty fun. I haven't spent any independent time in Los Angeles, California sun would do me some good.

I'm having cramps, is it strange that I'm happy about it? I've been looking forward to this week of weakness the entire month, every time my period comes I feel as though I've won a war. Immaculate conception is a very real fear of mine. So even when I haven't been sexually active, a period is still a cause to celebrate. You feel the pain and think; "YES LORD! I'VE MADE IT ANOTHER MONTH!"

I found some high school graduation pictures in my Uncle's old files (see below), the memories were sweet. I had flown out to Ghana the next day to spend the summer that changed my life. I remember sitting in my boyfriends car, all of a sudden overcome by the tragedy of our relationship, I was leaving him, we had just gotten back together and I was leaving him. I cried, I remember how he caressed my face, I remember his sad eyes and I remember being completely overwhelmed for no real reason. When I sat on the plane and looked out the window I pondered my extreme emotions the night before, I was sad yes, but I had cried like someone had killed him.

Now, I understand that I was foreshadowing the coming events, I somehow felt that I wouldn't come back the same person, and that I would hurt him, that I would crush him.

Which I did.

Like I said, tragedy.

I still believe in love. I hope he does too.